Published on
April 9, 2011

Today was as you would expect it to be.

I spend the majority of the day doing laundry. It takes about 4 hours to dry a load with our crappy appliance. So while I did that I watched more Entourage by myself; because what else was I going to do.

I managed to get out to go have dinner with David Hildebrandt at Torchy's. Thanks man.

I also went to my friend Marshall's gig with Alex Montes.
Marshall and the Moon Dance. They were actually pretty good. I loved it.

I hesitate to sleep because I know the mornings bring the most pain.

I know that all this will take is time. No matter how much I try to forget about it, it's only with the passing of time that I real truly get back to myself again. I'm not completely gone. I've been worse. But it's not something I can escape.

People will think I'm being dumb by talking about this in the open. They might think I'm throwing myself a pity party. On the contrary, I believe I'm only serving to show my vulnerabilities. I am not invincible, and I like to remind myself, and others, of that. I let you know what I'm going through because it needs to be said. I need proof that this meant something, and you can relate to my own humanity.

The day after isn't really the hardest. It's the day after I feel like I've finally come to terms with it. The moment where it suddenly hits me in a dream or a triggered memory. That's the day I'm most afraid of.

But here I trust that God knows what he's doing.

Because I certainly don't.

Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.