Published on
July 27, 2012

There are many moments in life where one has to re-calibrate. re-start. re-connect.

This is not something to be ashamed of.
This is something to look forward to.

Our identity relies on this moment. Dreams converge here. The fallen get a chance to prove that they are still alive.

Perhaps this is all true.
Or perhaps I'm romanticizing this in order to make myself feel better.

I believe I'm going through a time that is testing my relationship with God. I've become stagnant in my faith. I've questioned the reality of what I choose to believe. I'm not in danger of leaving this all behind like some 20-something college student with doubts weighing on his shoulders, no, I'm perfectly incapable of such a thing. Instead I'm choosing to engage this moment. Approach it head on. Strengthening and re-defining what it is I already hold true.

Recently I've taken a step down from any leadership position I may have pretended to have within ministry at Gateway and Gateway College. I've decided that it's too superficial. I'm a fraud, living a lie. I wasn't living like God intended me to.

I have to return to love.

Let me explain. I've come to realize recently that my entire pursuit of God had little to do with my relationship with him, and less to do with my understanding of His Love. You see, when I first started getting more involved in my faith, it was not because of God, it was because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was in Love with them, and their acceptance of who I was. Then, as I started to learn more about Christianity and this whole God thing, I stepped up in areas I knew that I could. I became the leader people had always told me I'd become. I fell in Love with serving with my talents and gifts. I fell in Love with ministry. This went on and off for years until I began to look more inward, at my struggles, fears, and heart, and related ever-so-much with the human condition and our desire to be known and to connect with God. I began to share this with other humans around me, in my circles, and close relationships. I fell in Love with being Authentic.

All the while God was there. I talked to Him, prayed to Him, wrote to Him, and worshipped him in the best way I knew how: through my unique creation. But I never did it because I LOVED Him, or because He LOVED me. I did it because I knew…this is what I'm supposed to do. I wanted to do it. I enjoyed it. It was right. It was true.

But deep down God was wanting something more from me…
He was wanting ME.

In all the ways I had been trying to connect with God I had actually been neglecting God; because sure, God loves to have those things, but He wants to be with me FIRST. People come and go. Service and worship fades. Authenticity can become taxing. God was the consistency that I needed to bind it all together. To weave in-and-out of those things. To make all of it real.

I've decided that I need to figure out what this Love is, because I don't truly understand it. I don't truly know the God that I've believed in all my life - will continue to believe in all my life. I need to become more personal with God. I need this relationship to truly be a relationship. Ongoing. Tangible. Irreplaceable.

I don't need to just believe that God is real.
I need God to be real.

Like I know He can be.

I want to be like Adam.

I want to walk with Him. Talk with Him. Visit with Him. Eat and Drink with Him. Laugh with Him. Cry with Him. Tell stories with Him. Listen closely to Him. Hear what He has to say. Love what He is. Trust in the will that is beyond my comprehension. Enjoy each moment I get to spend with Him.

I want to return to Love.
and I want Love to return to me.

Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.