Lately I've been feeling like I don't belong.
Earlier I had a post that walked through my life's search in finding a place for myself. A group that I could integrate in. A body that I could be a part of. I left it alone and didn't publish it because I knew in my heart that this wasn't about me finding any of those things. This isn't about me not fitting in.
What I've discovered is that sometimes we're not meant to belong. Some of us have such a higher calling that we'll always be feeling like the odd ones out. I'm not saying I'm one of those people, but I think I understand what it feels like.
Paul was kind of like that, when you truly think about it, and that's interesting considering he's the one that practically wrote the book on being part of the body. He talked about brotherhood and unity and everyone having a place within the church or community. Yet he spent a lot of time in prison, on the road, bouncing from place to place and interacting with so many different people. It's almost as if he understood this human desire to feel connected or a part of a group, so he directed others towards that, but for him it was all about starting over, learning new things, and meeting new people. He was doing God's work, but not stuck in one place. Not belonging to any specific group of people.
But he does...doesn't he?
I mean...after all...he belongs with Jesus, and in a way we all do too. Our entire lives were intended for something different, but that all changed course after the fall and into the old testament. This life is not the final destination. There is so much more to come.
What we can create here with community and our close groups of friends is mostly manufactured. In authentic relationships we can replicate what heaven is like, to bring a little bit of it down to earth, but as a whole it's just not the same.
So this search I have for acceptance. The desire I have to be a part of a group and to have an entity with a certain body of people, it's all really of want to be with my savior on the new world...right?
Ok. So maybe that's a little too spiritual for this. I'll bring it back down to earth.
Here I am looking for a niche. I'm trying to find my place. Constantly though I'm feeling a little left out. Pushed to the side. Striving to belong but only getting hurt instead. This is sometimes how I feel, but only when it comes to groups. I have no problem connecting with individuals. I have no problem getting into peoples lives and making friends. It's groups I have a problem connecting with. I throw off the dynamic. I cause chaos. Trouble. Maybe a little bit of awkwardness. So yes, when the drama kicks in and the rumors get thrown around, I feel like it's time to move on.
Except I'm already in too far. I can't pull out.
I've got people that are counting on me.
And that's when I realize that I do belong. I belong with the people I've connected with, those whom God has placed intentionally into my life, and that's truthfully all that matters. I have a job to do. I have other things to focus on. Kinda like Paul. Kinda like Jesus. Moving from place to place. From person to person. Touching these lives over here and those over there. It kinda makes sense. Who cares if the entire group isn't privy to who Mattias is? Who cares if I'm not the entity that I could be? Because I don't have to be a part. I have to continue investing into individuals. I have to be me where it matters now, and keep allowing God to take me wherever I'm supposed to go. I may never be tied down. I may never identify with one particular group of people, but instead with a whole plethora of individuals, and I'm ok with that. And someday, if I'm faithful, I'll be in Heaven or on the New Earth and I'll be surrounded by all these individuals, and truly then I'll know what it feels like to belong.
Lately I've been feeling like the odd one out.
I think I'm ok with that.
Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.