On Existentialism

I've been sleeping a lot lately. It might have something to do with a chemical in my bloodstream that's acting as a sedative. Perhaps my body is trying to hibernate for the winter. Or maybe I just have no motivation. Yeah. It's probably the last one. Whatever the case I've been trying to find a new way to either A) Get more energy, or B) Find some motivation. So far I haven't found a cure, and so a lot of the things I've been wanting to get done have been pushed to the back burner.

However last night a new mantra came to me from a very unlikely source.

I have no idea if it's because God is constantly trying to get me to take the big picture into account. I don't know if it's because of the book I'm reading, A Certain Risk by Paul Richardson, has me in a specific mindset and it's spilling over into the real world. Or maybe I'm just weird. Yeah...

It's probably the last one.

Either way the phrase "Why am I still awake?" uttered innocently by a friend of mine on twitter last night, triggered a strange series of thoughts in my mind.

Imagine if this was more than a lamentation at one's inability to fall asleep. Imagine this as being a metaphor for being alive. Imagine a guru sitting across from you in a hut on a snow topped mountain who answers you slowly, "Exactly. Why ARE you still awake?" Imagine The Matrix if you must...but don't...because that is not what this is about.

I've become so enamored with this phrase that it really has nothing to do with falling asleep anymore. I want to print it on a t-shirt. I want to tattoo it on my body somewhere. I want to engrave it so that I'll never forget to ask myself:

Why am I still awake?

What if I asked myself this question every morning when I open my eyes? What if I reminded myself every time I wanted to sit around and do nothing? What could I accomplish if I were always looking for a reason to keep moving? What purpose could I possibly serve? What would God have me do? Here. Now. Why keep me in this state of awareness?

I'm a dreamer. I have visions. I have ideas. I know what I want for the future.

But dreams can only come true if I'm awake.