Well auditions didn't actually go so well. It's not that I, or anyone else, performed poorly or there was a lack of talent in the room, but some behind-the-scenes logistics and feasibility disallowed anyone to actually make the team. The same concerns, however, were the cause of the original music team leaders to step down after three weeks. Without going into any details, after a change in leadership we finally witnessed a full band this past Sunday, and after about seven years of hoping, waiting, praying, preparing, & trying I found myself on stage singing some of my favorite songs.

This was an accomplishment. This was a step in the right direction. But I want to tell you something...

It was terrible.

After so many years of singing ONLY in the car or rocking out at some random karoake parties, getting used to a microphone and sound system is not exactly easy. It was probably the worst singing I've ever done in my life while on stage. Trust me, I've watched the performance on video, and I wondered what made me think I could do this. Having heard from plenty of my friends in the aftermath, however, I sure didn't think I had done so bad. People believed I was good. The band was a success, and everyone was really into it. I got so many compliments about myself (and the band) that I almost believed I was at the wrong church. What was it that they were so into? Were they just being nice to me?

Artist Complex aside, the truth is that I do need a lot of improvement, but I wasn't cringeworthy. I know God has given me a gift, and I know it hasn't been a lie my entire life. I'm not perfect, and I will never stop progressing in this area of my life. However, if it's one thing I was encouraged about from Sunday Night, after talking with close friends about what they "really" thought of the performance, is that they noticed my passion. I did exactly what I wanted when I got on that stage: connect others to God and to engage Him in worship without worrying about the words or my voice.

There's something to be said about passion.

Because nobody's perfect.

Everyone who has ever had a gift that they've pursued always struggled at the beginning. They got it wrong sometimes. They finished last. They walked out embarrassed. No one got it. Dreams were shattered.

And yet where there's passion, God can still do something. God can still work with your failures. He can intercede in the brokenness.

This is what I felt like He was telling me. Even though I wasn't perfect, my heart was still in the right place, and that's all that matters to him.

It seems that we're always looking to be perfect. In this technological age where we have the means of seeing all types of feats, all with a simple google search, we are constantly seeing the best of what the world has to offer. We no longer compare ourselves to ourselves but to others who have mastered the craft in which we are pursuing. We strive to be so much like them that we believe that anything less is simply...bad. To make matters worse, I go to a church that takes pride in their music (perhaps too much), and they are known for having professional musicians with a knack for quality. I'll be honest, the music is the first thing I noticed about Gateway Church - it's that good - when I moved to Austin two years ago. So for me to have to get on stage and live up to that...it's a lot of pressure.

Honestly I'm not that good, and I don't know if I'll ever be, but God showed me last night that I don't have to compare myself to anyone else. He believes in something bigger than that. My passion, my heart, can make up for where I was lacking.

Don't get me wrong. There's no substitution for Talent. I'm not saying that if you want to sing on stage but you can't carry a note that your passion will make up for it. God still creates people with unique gifts and potential.

What I am saying is that whatever you ARE called to do, stop striving for perfection and strive for passion. Know that there's always room for improvement. You are always going to be working on your craft. You'll always be experimenting and finding new avenues to explore. Mastering comes with time, but you will NEVER be perfect; especially at the beginning. Your heart, why you are doing this, is the most important aspect of any gift you've been given.

Maybe I didn't do so well the first time. That's ok. Because it was never truly about me. Worship was always about giving back to God, connecting with Him, and engaging Him intentionally while encouraging others to do the same. I prayed about this before going into it, and I let all my anxieties go, turned it over to His will, and He in turn reminded me that He's going to work through me no matter how much I might screw up. (He may have even gone so far as to show others in the audience, through me, that they don't need to be amazing singers to connect with Him.)

Next time though...I'm going to kill it.

Single Boys and their fascination with the new girl.

(Disclaimer: Everything I am about to say in this post I feel like I have the right to, because I am/was a single boy with a fascination with new girls, and I've experienced it all first hand. True story.)

Picture it. A boy is heavily involved with his small group, a bunch of college student guys and gals that he has gotten close to within the past year and a half. Some of the guys he knows like brothers, and the gals he considers like sisters. He's struggled with being in broken relationships in the past. He's made mistakes he's not proud of, but he's past him now, he's been forgiven, and with the help of mentors and other guys he's learned how to have healthy relationships. Moving on he's gotten close to some of the girls. Some of them he may have talked to in the past, and others he may have even tried dating. Some he has gotten to know so well that he's already convinced it would never work out, and others he's entertained the thought but he doesn't believe he's ready to make that step. In any case he's weighed his options with all the girls at one time or another, and not because he's joined this group just to hook up or to find a wife, but because it's the smart thing to do.

It's justified. These girls are good Christian women. They love Jesus. They also have a community that is helping them grow and they're making good progress with their lives and moving forward with God's will. The guys have seen the girls grow, and the girls have seen the same thing. Ecclesiastes says in one verse to grab hold of what's in front of you, and to not focus on wandering desires. So it's with good reason that the boy pays attention to the women around him, that he has become friends with, he knows well, and shares the same beliefs as he does. When it comes to potential in a future wife - there's no better pool around. However he doesn't believe he's found the right one yet, and whether it's because he's not ready or God just hasn't told him to pursue anyone yet, he still remains single.

Then in walks the new girl. She's pretty, wants to get involved, and best of all - she's alone (and by that I mean she didn't get invited by another guy or come with her boyfriend.) This to single guys is equivalent to a new video game to kids. The boy has gotten used to all the girls in the group. He's not sure he sees any of them in his future or whether or not he wants to pursue any of them. He's doing what God wants for his life, sure enough, but the one thing he's always wanted, everyone wants, is to one day find that special someone. Except it hasn't happened yet, and it doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, but this...

This is something new.

Guys will not admit to this, but when the new girl enters a group, it's an exciting change. It's our chance to start a new connection, and make a good first impression. In the back of our minds we're all thinking, "Could this be the one?" and before the end of the night all the guys will have found a way to migrate over to her.

This is potentially hazardous for a couple of reasons.

For one, there's a hidden competition that the guys might not even be aware of; because it's a subconscious thing. Every boy wants to be the first to get to know a new girl. They want to learn as much information about her before the other guys get a chance. So when another dude mentions something to his bros about the girl in question, the other can say "yeah I know" as a way to potentially "one-up" the other's facts. Because to a Christian single guy, "knowing" a girl is the same as figuring out who has a better chance with her. You see, Christians don't call dibs on girls, nor do they play games to determine who gets the first shot. No. Instead we use our "discernment", and silently we agree that so-and-so seems to be hitting it off with the pretty-new-girl so we might as well take a step back.

In other words, we each try and get to know her as much as possible at the exact same time, and then we let her decide who she likes the best.

But the girl. She doesn't know that this is going on. As far as she's concerned she's just entered friendliest group in all the world. She's nice, and she loves to get to know new friends, so she's not afraid of sharing her story or chatting it up with anyone who's willing. But my friends, we are actually playing a very dangerous game here. Our subconscious competition can have some very negative consequences. It's possible she may get into a bad relationship with one of the guys (possibly one who is farthest away from being ready for any sort of relationship), get pushed away from the group entirely, or just not find any growth like she may have originally intended.

Worst of all, drama happen, and no one wants that.

It's for these reasons that I feel the need to point these things out, whether you believe it's true for your group or not, because there are some practical ways we can make sure the new girl can get acclimated appropriately.

First off, guys need to back off. She's not here to find a date, and if she is here to find a date, then no one needs to be dating her for a while anyway.

Hopefully this will leave some room for the other girls to get involved, because instead of single boys migrating to the new girl, it should be the females that are making her feel welcome. Except the girls are always so shy, and it's a weird phenomena to me that girls are afraid of talking to each other. Regardless we need to be pushing the girls to becoming friends with one another, because if it's one thing that I've always seen as a red flag it's the girl who says "Most of my friends are guys. I dunno...I just get along better with boys than I do girls." (but I've mentioned this before)

The girls have probably experienced growth within this community, and if we're a group that challenges others to make the best of their lives and is continually working with them to pursue what God has planned, then it makes sense that the other females attempt to make friends with the new girl. It's that simple. Plus they already know the guys well enough to weed out the douchebags from the authentics, and I for one would rather have a good recommendation then to have to rely on my own words.

Anyway I hope I've made more sense of this topic than I feel I have. I hope that guys are able to check themselves and their hearts before trying to get to know a new girl or to make that connection. Let her get settled first. Let her try out the group and make some friends. Talk to her at appropriate times, but don't be one of the guys who is constantly trying to get to know her as much as possible. I hope that girls are able to spot when the boys are migrating to the new girl and can intervene, out of solidarity, so that they can build better friendships before talking about boys (like we all know you do...at slumber parties...before/after the pillow fights.) I hope that God can work in the new girl's life like he did with the other women of the group, and that she won't just be a potential wife to some lonely boy, but she'll immediately become part of the family that has been created.

Seriously though, back off man, I saw her first!

The world would make you believe that in relationships there are two types of people: The Jealous Type, and the Non-Jealous Type. (Ok, the world does not really want you to believe that, but for purposes of this post I'm going to stick with that first sentence.) It would seem that most people's advice for jealousy is to simply "not get jealous." Like it were that simple. As if the person hadn't already thought of that before. How often have you ever heard someone start a story like this: "I know I shouldn't be jealous, but..."

There's always a 'but'.

Jealousy is not so cut and dry, in my opinion, and there is no such thing as a non-jealous person. I don't believe that jealousy is a choice, and to tell someone to "not be jealous" is basically telling them to not have any emotions whatsoever. Honestly I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who's told me "I choose to be jealous. I just like it. It keeps me feeling alive." So it confuses me when others talk about shutting it off, like a switch, or even propose that jealousy is wrong; when in actuality it's our response to jealousy that has the potential to be 'wrong' and not the jealousy itself.

Ask yourself, have you ever chosen to be jealous? or does it just come without warning?

It's like temptation, whereas our response could result in sin, but the act of being tempted is beyond our control. Reacting to our jealousy, however, is not necessarily a sin either, depending on how extreme we're talking, but in the majority of normal relationships your succumbing to jealous actions is not going to send you to hell; although it will be very un-beneficial to everyone involved. You could end up hurting a lot of people, including yourself, so keep that in mind.

The main problem with jealousy is not with its incarnation, but lies within the root of said emotion. Most commonly jealousy is the result of our own selfishness. We care so much about another person that we tend to claim them as our own, seeing every outpouring of affection not directed at ourselves as a potential threat pulling them away from us. We idolize our relationships to the point of worship, where nothing else matters, and by putting our identity within these constructs we become afraid of losing that person; essentially putting fuel on the fire before the spark of jealousy can even ignite.

Jealousy preys on our fears like a lioness waiting in the tall grass. She'll be there, always, waiting for your most lonely moment before she strikes, and once the chase begins you may not be able to stop it.

Do not believe you can't fight jealousy. You can. As long as you understand where it is coming from.

In our selfishness we require attention. Our girlfriend/boyfriend then becomes a product that was made for us. It becomes about what she/he can provide me. They are filling a void as a solution for our loneliness. Our selfishness is what gives rise to the majority of our jealousy. It's why you get jealous at a crowded table, when your significant other isn't sitting right next to you, but instead being friendly at the other end with someone of the opposite sex. You worry that they're going to share something you don't have. You start to think about the what ifs. You entertain the idea that they might not even love you anymore, and that's when it becomes just plain stupid.

Because you're too caught up with yourself. You act like you care but you're just being selfish.

(This is a good spot to mention that there is a difference to being selfish and red flags within a relationship. In some cases, even when you've approached the relationship in the right ways, there are moments that you have to be wary, and take notice of the warning signs. There's not time to delve into these differences however, so I'll just save that for another blog post.)

Or maybe you're not even going out yet. Maybe there is no significant other, just a common interest, or you've opened the door to "talking" (whatever you want to call it). At these times we begin to covet what is not ours, or we begin to hoard all these special moments with that person as if it is a matter of life or death. Here our selfishness becomes even more apparent as our jealousy reveals that we've claimed this person as our own without anyone's consent.

Either way you're wrong, because she is not yours, so quit being selfish.

Still believe you don't get jealous? Well perhaps you are like me, and you've been hurt in the past even despite your attempts and never acting on your jealousy, so in subsequent relationships you've decided to approach things differently. You choose to go the opposite direction of selfishness by not giving any sort of special attention. You let them do whatever they want while you keep yourself at a respectable distance, because if you don't get too close you can't get hurt. The problem is that this is just another form of selfishness. Suffice to say you don't really care about this person, and you're being too afraid to get close shows that you care more about your own feelings than their own. You're using them, again, to satisfy your loneliness in various ways, whether it's just having that person as an entity in your life or through physical intimacy, but in any case it has less to do with them and more to do with what you want.

If you haven't gotten jealous, or if you just "choose not to", then I would venture to say that you haven't really been in love, or at least in a semi-healthy relationship.*

Which leads me to believe that some jealousy is actually a good thing. I know that may be controversial, but if you're still with me this far then hear me out. There is, in fact, a positive form of jealousy that I'd like to point out. I call it "recognition".

The moment you recognize the reason that person makes you smile.
The reason they make you laugh.
The reason they make you happy.

It's the recognition of what it is about that person that you like about them so much.

Recognizing the gravity that draws you into their orbit.

Jealousy, in this light, is no longer about what we have to do in order to keep them, or to assure we don't lose them. Instead it is about why we decided to trust them in the first place. It's about why we sacrifice our own selfish desires so that we can find ways to make them happy. It's giving of ourselves, our time, our energy, and our love, while allowing them to subside our fears by replicating the same actions.

Finding a love that works, a relationship worth keeping, doesn't necessarily mean that jealousy goes away. When we get to the root of our jealous nature and turn it around, then our response to jealousy is a recognition of the truth of why we love that person in the first place.

And it makes us smile.

*Which isn't to say that if you've never been in love, or if you're waiting for the right person, that there is anything wrong with that. In fact, more power to you, and I hope you'll never have to deal with the evil sides of jealousy.

I have.

Since 2006 I've had the dream of starting a travelling theatre. Considering this vision hasn't left my heart in five years, I think it's safe to say I'm commited to the idea. Of course over thim this vision has evolved, coming presently to include so much more creative outlets than just theatre, as I struggle with determining how such an organization will look. My other struggle: How will it start?

Well I doubt I've found my answer yet, but it seems that I've been presented with a few interesting opportunities - or challenges - as I like to view them. God has heard my prayer, and has thrown me in the direction of his choosing. Unfortunately for me, this direction involves skills and talents of which I am not used to stretching. Possibly, at the current outlook, and it may be too early to tell, I might become a musician for the upcoming Gateway College band. I will audition for piano and drums, both I have dabbled in but are far from my forte. I will also audition as a singer, which I have trained in since at least fourth grade, but this does not worry me as much as the other two. Again it is too early to say definitely, but I am preparing myself none-the-less. To make matters even more interesting - I've signed up for four art classes this next semester, another one of my many endeavors, but still one that remains a rarely used hobby. I am barely adequate in all these areas.

Yet I've expressed interest in doing them, have I not? At times I've always assumed they would be a part of my life, even a part of my vision, but those assumptions were accompanied with the idea that I wouldn't need them until the appointed time - when the vision was ready to come to fruition. "No," God is telling me, "That's not how it works."

You see instead of continued work on the talents I'm already pursuing with a passion, God is giving me a chance to develop the skills of mine that have been asleep, dormant, or otherwise neglected. He knows that I've always wanted to pursue these things, among others, except I have long ago given up on these possible exploits; choosing instead to leave them to people much more talented than me - like my brother, the guitarist, for instance. He knows that if I'm going to stretch my creative mind in all areas of my interest, then it is time for me to put in the work towards those which I am weakest. He's telling me to start here. I need to prove that I can put in the time. I need to stop being lazy. I need to grow or the vision will never come true.

Where are the areas that you are weakest? What skills of yours have you been neglecting? What talents of yours need stretching? Need improvement?

In the creative world we tend to wear many hats. Though each of us can find a niche, or a focus, that doesn't mean it is all we are capable of; that it is all God has gifted us with. As creatives we are called to express the unexpressable through art, and art has many mediums - some better suited for the task than others. If we leave on one hat for too long, or wear only a couple the majority of the time and leave the others on the hook, we may never be proficient enough to implement our ideas to other mediums. Unless we are capable of stretching all areas available to us, we may let some rather good ideas go to waste elsewhere, or otherwise not used at all. There is, of course, the option of surrounding ourselves with other creatives that have chosen your less pursued focuses, but this is a rarity and is not always available to most of us. So maybe it's time to pinpoint a weakness in one of your abilities, and to take steps to progress within them.

Find the areas of interest that you've shown promise, but have otherwise neglected. I'm not talking about the things that you've never cared about or, for lack of better terms, completely sucked at, but those that you know you have the capabilities of pulling off. Stick to your specialties, your career path, or whatever is included in your vision. If you are still unsure, follow your heart, and if it is pleasurable, I'm sure you are on the right track.

This may not apply only to creatives.

If you are a cook wanting to start a restaurant, but know nothing about business, then maybe you could take a class.

If you are a nurse who dreams of going overseas, but doesn't know another language, then perhaps you could enter a program.

If you are an engineer with a vision of creating a new jet to allow us to enter space casually, but knows nothing about avionics, or space, well then maybe you could get a book or two. (and tell me when you have a prototype.)

Ok. Maybe that last one isn't so likely. But I hope I'm communicating myself well enough. If you have a vision that requires you to know a little more about the areas in which you are weak, then before you can pursue anything you should probably start there. Think about it. Pray about it. What talents of yours are still asleep? What hats do you own are collecting dust? I challenge you to develop these, and see what doors and opportunities open themselves up to you and your future.

As for me, it is imperitive to my vision that I be able to call myself a musician, among other things. Music has been such an integral part to my past, present, and future that I could never imagine leaving it alone. It has weighed on my heart to write songs and to discover new ways of creating music, but as a singer alone it has proven difficult to explore such possibilities. So my weakness, as well as the areas of which I've shown a little talent, in drumming and piano I want to start developing now. Even if I should not find myself doing these in the band I want to pursue them further. I will put in the work and the time. I want to become more than adequate in these and as an artist. I will stretch these to a capacity that will allow them to be used once my vision is ready to come to pass.

God willing, there will be more weaknesses that show themselves before that time.

So instead of goals I'm asking myself: What story do I want to write?

When I think of a story, as a writer, I automatically think of characters first. As opposed to plot, conflict, or setting, my primary focus is always character. Who is the protagonist? What does he want? What are his relationships? What is he like?

This last one is always the hardest for me to describe. Mostly because I'm just bad at it, but partly because I hate doing it. My problem is I can't straightforwardly describe a character. I don't think it's that simple. I can't summarize a character because people can't be summarized. We are multi-faceted. The description changes depending on what point-of-view, what lens, what direction you choose to look at them. So I can't just write the characteristics. I have to write the scenarios. I have to give the character situations and circumstances. I have to see their reaction.

Because I realized that the best way to understand a character is to know how they would respond.

As I'm thinking about the story I want to write, I'm inadvertently thinking about the character I want to be, so I think about my favorite characters in films, books, or TV series. The best stories, my favorite stories, are character driven. The story, the plot, the conflict, all come from within the characters. It is not about the situation they're in or what is going on around them, but it is about the character's response. Without response there would be no journey. I conclude that this is exactly how I'm supposed to be writing my story.

For years I've been asking myself the question: Who am I?
For months I've been struggling with this issue if identity. Not only do I analyze myself, but I constantly worry about how others see me. I put pressure on myself to continue searching, to understand who I am so that I can be ready for what God wants me to do; whatever the future is. I tell myself that until I know who I am I can't possibly be of any use. I'm no good. I gotta keep fixing things so that I'm no longer a walking disaster.

But the characters I'm drawn to don't do that. They don't sit around at coffee shops for hours contemplating their purpose. They don't read non-fiction inspirational books, perusing each individual line, highlighting phrases or sentences to try and apply to their life. My favorite characters are cocky. Not egotistical but confident in their abilities, talents, or gifts; sometimes over-confident, but I prefer that to sheer arrogance. They may not know exactly who they are, but they know what they believe. Others may not know who they are, but if they stick around long enough they will see it through the character's response to certain situations. That's what my favorite characters do. They respond. Decidedly.

I want to find myself in situations in which I can respond.

If I have to use the term, that would be my resolution, but overall this is the story that I want to start writing.

Except I was left with another complication: How? I can't go looking for trouble. I can't just respond for the sake of responding; because response is about reaction, choice, and fear of the unknown. I had to let the situations find me, and allow the obstacles to come of their own accord. When you know that authentic response can't be pursued you find that you're stuck waiting, and I didn't want to be stuck waiting; because that's what I was doing before. I was tired of preparing. I didn't care if I wasn't ready for my purpose, but I didn't want to just sit around and do nothing anymore. That's not who I am. So today, after days of thinking about this, I did something strange.

I asked God to pick me up and throw me exactly where He wants me to go.

Now that's a scary thought. "Hey God, just throw me...oh...and one more thing...don't tell the elf." I didn't hesitate, I wanted him to do it, and I didn't think twice. All at once I was invigorated, nervous, anxious, and excited. Even if I don't know where I need to be, I'm pretty sure that He does, and I'm pretty confident that wherever I land I'll be forced to respond; in fact, that's exactly what I'm counting on. I no longer want to speak about who I am or what I want to be, but I want to show it. I want my re-actions to speak for themselves. I want to respond to situations, miniscule or life changing, and allow that to say who I am and what I believe in. If I don't like the response, then I change it, and next time respond accordingly. Not because I'm worried about being accepted or because I'm afraid of what people think.

True nature is exposed when characters are forced to respond.

My only hope is that when God picks me up, before He throws me, that He holds me there for a second. That He reminds me, in that moment, just how much He loves me and cherishes me. That He would believe in me and reassure me that I was made for this. I'm capable, because He made sure of that when He created me, and even if I fail, His son will be there to hold me accountable - as long as I'm listening.

This holiday season was pretty random. I woke up on Christmas Eve after a long week of deliberation, and finally decided that I would drive home. I spent the eve on the road and in parking lots reading the three musketeers as my 25th birthday began. I never intended to stay in angleton another two days. Nor did I plan on driving straight to San Antonio for another two days for some quality time with my sister. I was excited to find by the end of the week that I had participated in a lot of good conversation.

I spoke with a friend I hadn't seen since high school about spiritual darkness, evangelism, film making, creativity, and other various topics.

I heard stories of my best friend's time in training for the U.S. Army, and finally got to meet his son.

My brother-in-law and I shared opinions on the bible, spiritual gifts, and church backgrounds until about two in the morning.

Conversation - I've learned time and again - is where I thrive. I could spend days in a room or coffee shop, immersed with my own thoughts, contemplating various things about life, but I find that most of it will mean nothing unless I can share these thoughts with someone. Conversation is why God created other human beings, because being alone with our thoughts can only go so far. I'm not saying that God didn't have some amazing conversation with Adam as they walked through the garden of eden, but how can you share discovery with the creator himself? Life is meant to be a journey with one another as we struggle together through uncharted territory, and I think God understood that when he made Eve.

The past year I've been trying to open the door for more and more conversation with individuals. I want to hear what people have to say on certain topics. I want to discover more about a person as they tell their story. I want to give them a hint of what goes on within my mind and to witness their response. Most of all I want to connect with individuals as we continue to inspire one another with our journey through life.

Cause what's a journey if you don't sometimes encounter someone to relate to them what you've seen, heard, or did - to learn from - to challenge - to encourage.

I recently failed two classes this past semester of college. It was mostly from my lack of doing any work while outside of class; which I fully accept the consequences for. While I was in class, however, I learned a whole lot, and I loved every second that I could gather information. Years back I had an argument with a co-worker about the importance of college. He seemed to believe that college/university was a necessary part of life if one ever intended on moving forward or being educated; and I wholeheartedly disagree.

It's not that I don't value the importance of college. I see it for what it's worth. I just don't think it should be labeled as necessary.

College succeeds in one area for those who are striving. In my opinion the best thing college does is force the student to think. Without college some people would never think to ask questions, or be challenged to seek out the answers. University was intended to focus these thought processes into majors, to spur on the conversation long enough for the student to end up with sufficient knowledge, and to reward that effort with a degree in that field.

But what if you were to do this on your own? What if you could ask questions of yourself and others? To seek out the answers and to strive to gather as much information as you could on the subject?

Is this not what the ancient Greek philosophers began to do amongst themselves?

They would think, test, write, and discuss. It was a cycle that kept evolving as they continually challenged themselves and opened up conversations with one another about the possibilities the world had to offer. To them the world was a classroom, and they were each others teachers.

I do believe students forget this at times. They get so caught up in their studies with school and the menial amount of work it requires, and they forget to learn from life itself. They never have time enough to sit down with their own thoughts, discover their own knowledge of the subjects they are pursuing, or even to listen to what is going on around them. Or when they do have time they spend it on facebook.

What could we do though if we spent more time in conversation?

Not just any conversation, but deep meaningful conversation.

I'm not suggesting we give up college. In this day and age it is important to have a system that forces young people to think and to learn. I'm only suggesting we take more time to think for ourselves. To challenge one another with these thoughts and to present them to those around us. To listen to the opinions of others and to gather information to further our knowledge from those said opinions, theories, or even truths.

Even better, I'm suggesting that we share our lives with each other. That we laugh together. We become vulnerable. We express our failures as much as we express our successes. We learn to accept each other wholeheartedly with each of our flaws. I vote that we conversate with as many people as possible this new year. That we share our passions, knowledge, and love with one another in order to balance out the stress that is university or career.

Let conversation drive you into deeper understanding.
Let it bring you closer to one another.
Let it push you further along your journey.
Let it fill your hearts and minds at once.

Ben Breedlove, an 18 year old senior at Westlake High School in Austin, TX, passed away.

I'm not going to lie. I didn't know Ben Breedlove personally. The initial reason I was made aware of his death was because specific people of whom I went to church with, the same church Ben attended, were posting the news on facebook. The second reason I was made aware was the fact that Ben's death didn't just affect those in the greater Austin area, but the entire world; including Kid Cudi.

Reason being, Ben posted these two videos less than a week before he died:

Just yesterday I watched his funeral streamed live from Gateway Church; which was requested by Ben's father, who wanted all of Ben's youtube fans to have the chance to attend. (Ben was also gave out dating advice to girls on two popular youtube channels.) I was moved by the story his sister Ally shared as well as the memorium that the pastor John Burke presented. I was especially inspired by the theme that came out of it:

"This life is our gift to God, and Eternal Life is His gift to us."

Ben Breedlove has inspired countless. People all over the world have taken notice of this young kid from Austin Texas. There is no telling how many lives might be changed because of Ben's story alone. This is the kind of stuff that really makes you wonder about your own life; especially while attending a memorial. 

This is not the first time I have been affected by a funeral.

When I was 15 I attended the funeral of a childhood friend, classmate, and fellow soccer player of the high school team. I was afterwards invited to a church youth group by some other classmates of mine. It changed my life. I never left. I finally began to understand what it meant to follow Jesus.

Now - nearly ten years later - as I tune in to the story of a boy who died on my 25th birthday, I question myself as to what exactly I've been doing with my life up till now. What exactly have I been pouring my heart into? What are my priorities? How have I inspired others? It would have been one thing to look back on a quarter century as is, but when you add such an amazing story such as Bens to think about/compare to, it really does put things in a different perspective - and it is slightly unfair in a funny kind of way.

I also wonder if this boy, had he lived past 18 years old, graduated high school, and decided to join the college group at Gateway Church of which I claim to be a leader, would have been a friend.

Thank you Ben, for your life, and I can only hope to be half as inspiring as you someday.

However last night a new mantra came to me from a very unlikely source.

I have no idea if it's because God is constantly trying to get me to take the big picture into account. I don't know if it's because of the book I'm reading, A Certain Risk by Paul Richardson, has me in a specific mindset and it's spilling over into the real world. Or maybe I'm just weird. Yeah...

It's probably the last one.

Either way the phrase "Why am I still awake?" uttered innocently by a friend of mine on twitter last night, triggered a strange series of thoughts in my mind.

Imagine if this was more than a lamentation at one's inability to fall asleep. Imagine this as being a metaphor for being alive. Imagine a guru sitting across from you in a hut on a snow topped mountain who answers you slowly, "Exactly. Why ARE you still awake?" Imagine The Matrix if you must...but don't...because that is not what this is about.

I've become so enamored with this phrase that it really has nothing to do with falling asleep anymore. I want to print it on a t-shirt. I want to tattoo it on my body somewhere. I want to engrave it so that I'll never forget to ask myself:

Why am I still awake?

What if I asked myself this question every morning when I open my eyes? What if I reminded myself every time I wanted to sit around and do nothing? What could I accomplish if I were always looking for a reason to keep moving? What purpose could I possibly serve? What would God have me do? Here. Now. Why keep me in this state of awareness?

I'm a dreamer. I have visions. I have ideas. I know what I want for the future.

But dreams can only come true if I'm awake.

I've been bringing this idea up a lot lately. I feel like it is a gift God wants me to continually work on. To develop. There have been instances recently where God has reminded me of the big picture. Like this TED Talk with Amy Purdy asking the question "If your life were a book...", or this blog post by Jon Acuff about being humble. Then there's the big picture I discovered about my singleness. I'm growing of the mindset that the big picture can be applied to any aspect of life, as long as you're open and aware of it.

So what about the future?

Looking at the examples of Amy and Jon, I began to try and develop a theme, and knowing that the future is different for everyone, I attempted to be as general as possible. I challeneged the group with this statement, "What if the big picture of the future is not asking the question 'What am I going to do' but rather 'Who will I surround myself with'?"

Let's go back to the book idea. Most people in the christian community will agree that the main character in all our stories is God. We are the bit players. Our importance goes only so far as to further His story. Some even attempt to find God in every story, comparing every main character to that of Jesus, etc. Well I contend against these theories. I believe that these are human characters with very human qualities, and have no place to be compared to God of Jesus.

God is not conflicted. Jesus has no flaws.

I insist that we are the main characters of our stories. That God, if anything, is the author, and that we are a franchise of books brought together to tell a bigger story. That even with our flaws and our mistakes, we can still represent truth and His message.

So let me use an example of the greatest story ever told, stubstituting us for the main character, and applying it to our theory of "The Big Picture."

Star Wars follows a simple moisture farm-boy who finds out he is gifted with spectacular abilities, who goes on a journey beyond anything he, or we, could ever have imagined. But anyone who has seen Star Wars knows that even though Luke Skywalker is the main character, the story is actually about something bigger: The Rebellion overcoming the evil Empire. Luke has to make a decision far different from any plans he has ever dreamed up in his lifetime. The academy, he decides, is no longer an option as he surrounds himself with this group of ragtag rebels in an effort to change the course of the future once-and-for-all. Even Han Solo, everyone's favorite scruffy-lookin-nerfherder, decides to put his personal ambitions aside in exchange for something else.

I was watching the Newsies the other day, the only musical I know of with more ensembles than solos. In it Mr. Pulitzer tells Jack Kelly that "Anyone who doesn't act towards his own self interests is a fool!" Jack almost buys into this, wanting to follow his dream more than anything, even if it means going against a cause he's been fighting for the entire movie. Of course he comes back, and the Newsie's strike is a success, but even when this victory allows him to get to where he's always wanted, he turns it down again.

Jack realizes it is not about his plans, but about who he surrounds himself with, and this is his new future.

I suppose you could say that these two stories are about a cause & about taking a stand, and that the real purpose is about choosing something to fight for. Yet I would still disagree with you. These stories are about forsaking one's own plans for a future, surrounding oneself with people one loves, struggling through life together, and coming through farther than one could ever imagined. Luke eventually got to fly...and more. Jack eventually found a home...and more.

This is the big picture.
This is the gospel.

Jesus challenges us to give up our own lives to find life. Ask how this is possible and most will give you some ill conceived notions about heaven and the promise of eternal happiness and yada-yada-yada, but this is not what Jesus is saying. He is saying that if we learn to love one another, to serve each other, and to do life together as he commands, that we will find that our lives are so much more fulfilling than we could ever have planned on our own. God promises us that He will give us the deepest desires of our heart, He has a plan for us, a future, but He doesn't ask us to follow it. He tells us not to worry about it, to trust him, to let him worry about the future, and we should just worry about loving one another - or surviving one another - if that's the way you view it.

Give God a chance. This is the first step to the bigger picture.

Because when you start worrying more about the people around you, happiness finds you, and God can then worry about how He's going to give you everything you've always dreamed about. When I let go of my own plans for the future, and started focusing on the lives of others, on loving them and helping them and doing life together, I found that everything else started to click into place beyond anything I could have expected.

Jon says "The people you meet are more interesting than you." Amy says, "How would you want your story to go?" Solomon says, "A Three Stranded Rope is not easily snapped." Jesus says, "Follow me, and Eternal Life starts here."

I say that the big picture of the future is not about how you plan it or what you're going to do, but who you surround yourself with.

(Want to join in on the conversation? Join us at one of our small groups. Next discussion group: "Maximizing the Present.")

Update Dec. 4, 2011; 8:08pm - This TED Talk about regret I just watched is also interesting as statistics shown during the presentation that the thing people LEAST regret is "Community"; and close to that is "Friends." So if we look to our past and take into account the things we do regret, and we envision the future knowing we want to have the least regret, then possibly the decisions we make now should closely resemble who we surround ourselves with in community and friends rather than what we'll do with education or career. Just another thought.

About a month or two ago one of my mentors told me he felt like I should remain single until this year's Christmas. This wasn't a remotely challenging idea at the time. It is true that I have been in multiple broken relationships over the years, and it is true that I have found myself relying on my relationships with girls more often than not. However in this particular situation, after having God work in and through me over the past year, and with my mentor's help, I've managed to find myself at an entirely different level. I could accept his challenge because, even though there were many cute girls that I was interested in, I hadn't felt called to pursue anyone in quite a long time. I was content. I felt that God was still doing some amazing things. I didn't need a girl.

Right?

Well...we won't go that far. "Content" was sufficient enough. Of course, my mentor and I were quick to acknowledge that, once accepted, the challenge would become more difficult over time.

Man. Was I unprepared for what came next.

It wasn't what we had originally anticipated. Girls were not "coming out of the woodwork" (cause that would just be too awesome wouldn't it God?) Instead the problem was coming from within. It is not as if I started to feel "extra lonely" or even that I began to fall in love with any particular girl. No. I was still content. I still didn't want to pursue anyone.

But you see, I have a problem. This particular problem isn't ever actually considered a problem until it is a problem. Confused? Let me explain.

Four months ago I took a strengths-finder test at the encouragement of another mentor of mine, and of those five strengths two of them came out to be "Woo" and "Empathy". My mentor made me aware that this is a deadly combination around women, because on one hand I'm very good at listening to them (empathy), and on another I can be very friendly and open (woo); which can come across as flirtatious. Turns out I was aware of this and had kept it under control for quite a while, but I just didn't have a way to explain it, so this further helped to keep my actions in check.

Well after so many months of making sure I don't use my "woo" in all the wrong places or for sure evil, it turns out the "woo" is bursting to get out. It wants desperately to make a connection with a girl, romance her, and caller her my own. "Any girl will do." my woo is trying to tell me, and yet I'm determined not to. I've been down that road before. I understand those dangers. I'm simply just not ready. Let's also keep in mind that I have yet to narrow down a girl to pursue (cause there's just so many! harhar! - False...)

Then I began to reason with myself. Why am I being single? What's the point of not dating right now? Would it really be so bad?

Then I asked myself a question that I have been applying over-and-over in my life for the past several weeks: What is the big picture?

Never once had I considered that maybe this "being single" business is not for me, but for God's purpose. Maybe this is for somebody else. Perhaps God wanted to use me, whom is so proficient in giving relationship advice and talking about my own experiences, to speak to another facet of relationships often overlooked. I considered the truth that God was needing me to BE single, so that I could speak to OTHER single people - males in particular.

Because I've never been single like this.

Sure I've been single. But those times I was always single and "wanting." Now I'm single and happy, putting my joy and trust in God and am in no way worried about my future any longer. Far from the desperate helpless romantic of yesteryear. I am satisfied.

It seems that anytime a married person gives advice to the single person about being single, the message never quite hits home. Sure they are speaking truths that we all know well, but as a single person I am inclined to think that it is EASY for the married person to talk about being single because, well, they FOUND the person they were meant to be with. They're no longer struggling through the same things that I am. Of course they can talk about being single like it's no big deal, because they never have to be single again, and they found their happy ending.

However, if I talk about being single, well that's a different story altogether. I haven't found the girl of my dreams yet, and if I can do it, SO CAN YOU.

So what have I learned after so many months of being single? A few things. Gentleman - pay attention.

1. She is not yours.
When Adam first uttered the word "woman" it is said that he was actually saying "mine", but let's get one thing straight, this was AFTER God had given Eve to Adam. Before she was presented to Adam she belonged to one being: God. This is how we should view each and every girl. Too often we make lists of qualities we think the girl of our dreams is supposed to possess, because we believe that she was made specifically for us or for our benefit. This is simply not true. She was made as her own person. She was made uniquely. When God gives her to you, he's not saying, "This is yours", but he's saying "I trust you."

Because you should be focused on making her happy. Treating her well. Loving her like Christ loves the church. She is not a gift. She is a blessing. One given to man because God thought of us as capable.

Well man has screwed up. Over the years we've looked at women as property, animals, or our own to do with as we please.

Men, we have to start thinking differently if God is going to ever trust us again. Understand that she was not made for your benefit, not just because you are lonely, but so that you might have the chance to love unconditionally. That you might get to show grace, mercy, and other such qualities that God wants to bring out of you.

Those single girls around you, imagine them as belonging to God, and stop pursuing something that isn't yours, that he hasn't given you the permission to pursue. Because if you don't, you'll treat them poorly, and you'll screw it up, and you'll hurt a lot of people in the process. Believe me. I've done it.

I know what it's like to fail.

2. She is not your friend.
In "When Harry Met Sally" Harry famously says, "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." Whether or not this is entirely true I have yet to determine, but I do believe that Harry has a point. In my case, I will never again date a girl who ever says to me, "I get along better with guys than I do girls." Because that is a GIANT RED FLAG in my book.

Guy. I get it. You are a ladies man. The girls love you. Your intentions are pure. You can't help it if you can relate to them better than you can other guys.

Seriously. Stop it. It is not a healthy relationship. You're not supposed to be the one texting and calling them all the time. You're not supposed to be filling them in with every intimate detail of your life. Get some guy friends. Man up. Let her do all that stuff with the girls. Save it for the one that counts.

Why am I so adament about this?

As I said before I'm very good at listening to girls. I'm good at talking to them. I'm very good at wooing them. The issue is that I don't want to woo every girl I know. The issue is that I want the girl that I woo to be very special. Unfortunately if I treat every girl like my best friend just because I can get along with them, when that girl God has for me finally comes along, I won't be able to treat her with any special attention. I won't be able to set her apart from all the other girls because I already have a lot of "girlfriends." In fact the only way I'll be able to really make her special is if I stop talking to other girls and give her all the attention, and then I have friends who are hurt or confused because I don't share my life with them like I used to. Or I choose to set that girl apart by giving her the one thing I don't give the other girls: physical intimacy, or sex.

Then it becomes something it wasn't intended to be. Then I'm connecting with her only in the physical sense, and I'm not guarding her or my heart. Then when we decide it's not going to work out I stop treating her "special", and a piece of her heart comes with me. Then I've made things worse.

The reason God hasn't given you a girl to love is because you have too many girlfriends. She doesn't want to be just another. God doesn't want her to be treated like everyone else. He finds her too precious for that. So should you.

Girls are not your friends. They are your sisters. Hang out with them in groups. Be there when they need you, but don't give them too much attention. She belongs to God, and is possibly meant to be loved by somebody else. You're meant to protect them until he gets there. Don't steal her heart.

And when that other girl comes along, and God points her out, you can show her how positively different she really is in your eyes.

3. Find the beauty.
Chances are if you are a male, and you are reading this, you have probably looked at pornography before. You've lusted after more women then you can count. You have idealized women in your head and found "perfection" in all the wrong places. If this still describes you and you still struggle with these sorts of things, then I'm sorry to say that your view of beauty has become skewed, and you may not even realize it yet.

Day in and day out you are bombarded with images of beautiful ladies. On the street. In the magazines. On the net. etc.

You've trained yourself to scrutinize every girl you encounter. You like her eyes. You like her smile. You like her legs. Her hips. Her waist. Her cheeks. Hair. Face. Lips. And you've pieced together in your mind the perfect girls for you. The only ones you could ever see yourself with. The only girls you'd ever be caught dating.

That is just terrible.

Yes. You may be attracted to certain women, but you don't know what you like. Far from it. You're lost. You're delusional. And you need to start understanding that the beauty of a girl is more than how she looks, but includes what she is like. I'm not saying you should end up dating someone you are not attacted to, because that is just plain wrong, but I'm saying that you need to stop looking at girls like you could only ever find certain ones beautiful. Because they are all beautiful. God has created each one as a framework in which to represent a specific kind of beauty, and you need to find that within the women that surround you. Find the uniqueness in each woman. Let that beauty bring a smile to your face, and stop looking for perfection.

Perfection, in my personal opinion, is when the girl of my dreams falls victim to sickness, or a disease, or has an accident, or even old age, and I still find her unequivicolly attractive beyond anyone else.

4. Do something.
I love Sara Barielles' song "King of Anything." Because though it is an insult to specific men delievered in a positive manner, it is a constant reminder to me that my purpose is not to save women, it is to be something.

God created us with a specific purpose in mind. He gave us gifts and talents to use so that we might follow him and find the deepest desires of our heart. I think at times in my life I've forgotten about that and instead followed my heart towards specific women, instead of working towards what he created me to become.

Listen fellas, I'm going to make this brief, unless you are the King of Anything, you are nothing, and you have no say. God isn't going to trust you with loving a woman if you don't have your own life figured out. If you're not following him and pursuing your purpose then why would he allow you to be blessed beyond all imagination. Trust me. You're not ready for that.

Find your purpose. Do your duty.

Let the woman see this. Let her fall in love with it. Let her see that you are a man of God, a man of integrity, and a man of determination, resolve, & intent (among other things). Stop worrying about finding a girl to fall in love with. Fall in love with your passions. Fall in love with God and his promises.

When a lady sees this, and she knows without a doubt that she wants to be a part of it, then, and only then, will you know who God has intended you to share life with.

(These are my opinions at the moment. What do you think?)